Life Goes On

But we're still very, very sad. Matt and I both find ourselves haunted by the situation with Mark, and I alternate between a kind of numb disbelief and just bursting into tears. Whereas when it first happened, I was struck and particularly affected by the gruesome nature of the incident itself, I now seem to have moved toward a saddened remembering. I think about all the wonderful, happy memories I had with Mark (12 years worth...) and I just wish so badly that things had turned out differently.

Someone asked if I could post some of the fairer media articles about the incident, and I'm happy to oblige. Probably the most balanced one I've seen is the article "Accusations and Suicides" from the publication Inside Higher Education. Here's the piece I feel is missing from the reporting that's going on in Iowa"

Asked what the university should do following this latest incident, [Iowa Faculty Senate President Michael] O’Hara said that “we have to separate the issue of sexual harassment from the issue of why a professor or anybody for that matter would commit suicide in the face of kind of public disclosure of something that is personally extremely embarrassing if not humiliating. Those are two different issues — people face criminal charges all the time and don’t commit suicide. It’s not an inevitable consequence.” [My note: Also, these were actually only civil charges, meaning there was no possibility of jail time, just financial penalties and possible professional sanctions]

O’Hara added: “We have to continue on campus to educate ourselves and to be vigilant about sexual harassment and help everyone understand that as an academic community, these things aren’t to be tolerated.” At the same time, he said that the two deaths made him wonder about the treatment of “alleged perpetrators.” It is important to remember, he said, that “being accused doesn’t mean that something happened.”

I thought Michael O'Hara did a wonderful job of emphasizing that a case like this--even prior to Mark's suicide--requires sensitivity to all parties involved, rather than being a time to choose sides, whitewashing one while villifying the other. From what I've seen in the media and from comments by UI faculty, it seems everyone else is bent on saying that the charges are false, and the newspapers are more than willing to propagate that message, which is really too bad. Here's hoping O'Hara's recommendations are taken up by the rest of the faculty and students at Iowa.

Goodbye, Dear Friend

We found out late last night that Mark Weiger, my former oboe professor at the University of Iowa, and teacher, mentor, and friend for 12 years, took his own life yesterday in Iowa City.

Mark started teaching me when I was 13 and saw me through some of the most difficult periods of my life. He was an inspiration to me musically, as probably the finest musician I've ever heard, and also personally--he was funny, cheerful, brilliant, and amazingly well-traveled. He was also unfailingly kind to me and my family. He was one of my oldest and closest friends. And he was the one who introduced me to Matt.

Even when my interests changed from music to nursing to law, and then back to midwifery, I knew that I could count on him for unflagging support and glowing recommendations. I have so many happy memories with him--the hours and hours we spent laughing and playing duets in lessons, the summer we traveled to music camp in Wyoming, the reams of emails we sent back and forth while I was at Interlochen and he served as my long-distance teacher, even though he was on sabbatical. His list of accomplishments was long and impressive, but that didn't stop him from taking in interest in whatever I was doing. When I started with him, I didn't realize what a superstar he truly was, but it became evident to me as the years passed, and I was honored to think of him as a mentor.

Mark's death has shocked and devastated me and Matt and my family. We all counted him as a dear friend, and somebody who had everything in the world going for him. It's tragic to think of how lonely his last hours must have been, and likely some portion of the past year or so of his life.

But Mark wasn't perfect. He overstepped the boundaries somewhat regularly and you'll notice in the article that he had just been charged with sexual harassment by a former student. You'll also notice that he admitted to the charges (though few articles that have come out actually note this). We also consider ourselves close friends of the student who brought the suit, and can say with certainty that there was no cruelty or malice or fabrication behind what she said. There are already a number of unkind comments about her cropping up in articles about the incident, and it's unfortunately a sad fact that we've seen played out many times that in any kind of "he said/she said" case, whether rape or sexual harassment, the public is wont to believe "what he said." When really, what she said--that students have the right to an environment where they don't feel belittled or threatened or judged--is right and true, and it takes incredible courage to say it so publicly. Unfortunately, she has been re-victimized by this situation more than anybody else. She's in our prayers as she begins what will undoubtedly be an impossibly difficult time for her.

Former UI colleagues of Mark's have already come out as saying the allegations are "vicious" and patently false, which I think is incredibly irresponsible of them. Melissa doesn't have a vicious bone in her body, and to imply that somebody would put themselves and someone they previously held in such high esteem through the pain of a lawsuit, just out of pure meanness, is a gross oversimplification. I appreciate their desire to protect him, and recognize it is their grief talking, but the real picture of who Mark was is more complex than a martyr who couldn't bear the lies brought against him. Admitting that he made mistakes in his life doesn't mean we loved him any less. Mark was very, very real; therefore, like all of us, he was imperfect. We knew that. He knew that. And we loved him very much.

We just wish he were still here and we could tell him so. Mark, we can't understand what you did, but we'll miss you so very, very much.

About honey from my honey

Here is an article that discusses beekeeping that Katie sent me and made me a little teary:

http://www.gourmet.com/magazine/2000s/2008/08/beekeeping

It is a really beautiful article about death, letting go, and of course, beekeeping. I hope you enjoy.