But then again, a year is such a long time.

Which is why, barring any unforeseen changes, I'm going to give this semester of law school my very best shot, and then I'm pretty sure I'm going to call it quits.

I'll attempt to address why. First, I've realized that for the past few months I've been waiting for my classmates to break down and admit that they are as bored and frustrated as I am. (By bored, I don't mean a "this is easy and I've mastered it" kind of bored; I mean a "how can I work so incredibly hard at something difficult without finding it interesting," out-of-my-element kind of bored.) And I've realized that for the most part, they aren't going to: regardless of the fact that first-year classes (and, let's be honest, second-year and probably most of third-year classes) are somewhat dry and lackluster--hey, we're studying law here! It's bound to be that way! And most people aren't going to bellyache about it because this is what they expected, and being a lawyer is actually what they want. Whereas I'm finding about both law school and law in general that the proportion of what I thought I would like about it is a lot lower than what I expected, and the proportion of what I don't like at all about it is a whole lot higher.

Looking back at the site history on my Firefox browser, I realized for that about the past month I've been cheating on law school by fantasizing about nursing. Right in front of law school's face: while I'm supposed to be studying, writing a paper, during classes, etc. Oh, it starts out innocently enough, trying to look up law internships with women's health organizations or rape crisis centers, but before I know it I've told myself I'll just sneak a quick look at what all they have available and before you know it I'm bookmarking OB fellowships and Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner trainings. And that just doesn't make sense. When I realize that those experiences are what have made me feel joyful and useful and alive, it doesn't make sense to wave goodbye to that part of my life and my education.

Any of you who have known me for very long will recognize how much I enjoy helping people in a hands-on, meaningful way. Something I don't like? Getting dressed up, being schmoozy, feeling like I don't fit in. Well, here was a newsflash for me: law school is all about fitting in as hard as you can. The more seamlessly your face blends into the corporate machinery, the better; the more formulaic and canned your writing, the more they like it. Everything, from the colors you wear in an interview to the font you choose for a brief, is geared at conformity.

I want to say up front that I'm in no way trying to imply that there is something inherently worse or better about that type of career, or the people who succeed at it. I'm not trying to say that I'm too good or too honest to be a lawyer, because I don't believe that characterization of me OR the law. By the same token, though, I also don't think I'm just rejecting law because I'm afraid it's going to reject me first. I'm just saying that I came, I saw, I briefed; and I think I've realized that it's not me, and I can only be who I am. Outspoken, off the beaten path, desperately unfashionable, most at home with a greasy ponytail and up to my elbows in birth funk...and it really only makes sense to choose a career where that is an asset, instead of something to fight to keep under wraps. Lousy with number two at the nursing home? I'm comfortable there. Dressed to the nines and making chitchat around a law firm water cooler? The very idea makes me start to squirm. And it has for awhile.

Since school started I've been trying to quell the rising sense of dread that I feel anytime somebody brings up working for a law firm, whether for the summer or for good; every time it comes up, I just desperately want them to drop it. But you know what? They aren't going to. And you know why? Because it's law school and they want to be lawyers! And I thought I did too, and so I would diligently keep looking for a firm or an internship that would help me achieve the things I came to law school to do. And what did I keep coming back to? The fact that the real experts in any field, the people who ultimately shape the way things are done on the ground level, are the people who work in it, not the people who make the legislation. That means that if I want to be an expert in women's health, I'm making myself an outsider if I'm practicing law. There's nothing that frustrates me more than well-meaning people who are outsiders to the organizations they purport to serve. (Nurse managers, this means you.) While I had dreams of being the "nurses' lawyer," the "patients' lawyer," the "rape victims' lawyer," I've come to realize that the effect an individual lawyer can actually have on the day to day details of people's lives is attenuated at best. And I'm realizing that that isn't enough.

What I used to view as small consolations for the stress of nursing--the fact that I was never bored, and the knowledge that the work I was doing was meaningful in the bigger scope of things--now loom larger as absolutely critical elements of how I plan to spend my days. I think that's something I had to come to law school to realize. Something else I've learned here? I think that I was envisioning a role for myself that being a lawyer doesn't really fit.

What now, then? I don't feel like law school was a waste; I feel like I've learned a lot. In case I'm wrong about this whole thing and change my mind, and also to honor what I've started, I'm planning to study this semester as if I weren't planning to leave at the end of it. (Well, almost. Perhaps with a little more of the serenity that comes with being a few feet closer to the door.) And I still feel like we came to DC for a number of reasons; just maybe not the ones I'd originally thought. Specifically? I am absolutely on fire about the idea of this program, one which combines midwifery training with specialized education in lobbying, legislation, and policy as it relates to women's health care disparities. Could that be more perfect? No more turning over every stone in law school to see if something I might be interested in is under there--here would be a group of people who seem to have just the same things in mind. What some of you may know and others don't is that the very first reason I looked into law school was because I thought it would be handy to have that background and then become a nurse-midwife. Birth is something I've always been wild about and I think I let my apprehension about being a new nurse convince me that delivering babies was something that was beyond what I was capable of. (Yes, I'll say it--law school seemed like it would be easier.) Now, at a point where I feel much more solid in my nursing skills, I feel confident about the idea that after sixteen months or more of intensive training, I could be not only qualified to deliver babies and provide well-woman care, but also be rubbing shoulders with the people within women's and children's healthcare who really truly care about and influence those systems. Because you know what? The people that do aren't practicing the law. I've already looked for them there.